The fiscal cliff was hard on many people, but especially on Nevada’s own Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Not only did House Speaker John Boehner tell Reid to “go f–k yourself,” but Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell got Vice President Joe Biden to negotiate when Reid had decided to play hardball.
What’s a majority leader to do? Get revenge, that’s what! Reid is nothing if not a ruthless plotter of vengeance, Old Testament-style. Based on my long study of the senator, here’s a few ideas I think he might be contemplating:
- Securely place a tack on the chair at the dais when Biden comes next to preside over the Senate.
- Deliberately mispronounce Boehner’s name so that it sounds like … the word for “mistake.” (What? What did you think I was going to say?)
- During the 2013 State of the Union, stare directly at the speaker’s podium where Biden and Boehner sit and conspicuously adjust his eyeglasses using only his middle finger.
- Continuously send fake Domino’s Pizzas to the U.S. Naval Observatory, where Biden keeps his official residence.
- Sneak in and adjust intensity of Boehner’s tanning bed.
- Secretly replace coffee in the vice president’s ceremonial office in the Capitol with Folger’s crystals. And then add some Kahlua.
- Slap “Hillary 2016″ stickers on every vehicle in his U.S. Capitol Police motorcade.
- Make a sizable donation from Searchlight Leadership Fund to any and all tea party super-PACs gathering money to dump Boehner in favor of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor as speaker.
- Encourage President Obama to send Biden to Antarctica to investigate global warming.
- Crank call vice president’s suite at Eisenhower Executive Office Building, saying, “Afiscalcliffnegotiationsinterloper says what?”
- Introduce S.123, a bill to allow gay marriage … but only between Biden and McConnell.
- Use privilege of the floor as a former House member to gain access to chamber, super glue Boehner’s gavel to the rostrum.
- Watch and re-watch Star Wars movies until he can shoot lightening out of his fingers like the Emperor, and then go all Revenge of the Sith on Biden in empty Senate chamber.
- Practice responses to future Boehner favorite insult until they flow naturally off the tongue. For example, “No need. Your mom took care of that last night, yo!”
- Demand beer summit with Obama to resolve the issue, turn it into a national teaching moment.