Top 10 Things You Don’t Need a Study to Know

It turns out the Strip is crowded. And it gets more crowded on Saturday night outside popular casinos.

No, that’s not the lead article in No Shit Weekly. It’s the result of a 200-page, $581,000 study of Strip pedestrian movements formally accepted today by the Clark County Commission. The study will be used to design ordinances to relieve congestion, which is to say, used to justify ordinances targeting anybody who’s not using the sidewalk to get to a casino to drop coin.

Clearly, all of us who are not employed as consultants to local governments have made a serious vocational error. This is obviously where the money is at.

Here, for example, is a list of Top 10 Things You Don’t Need a Study to Know, which I’ll give away here for free but if I worked as a consultant I could charge a cool half-mil to produce 200 graphically interesting pages for some local government types.

10. Cyclical Rising Temperatures Tend to Increase the Use of Interior Climate Control Systems in Certain Months

9. Scat Patterns in Wooded Areas Traced to Species Ursus arctos

8. Highway Speeds Directly Proportional to Highway Use in Discrete Morning And Evening Periods

7. Astronomical Odds of Success No Disincentive to Participation in Multi-State Pooled Gambling Enterprise

6. Musical Styles Preferred by Younger Generation Generally Unintelligible to Forebears

5. Strong Correlation Found Between Personal Religious Beliefs and Hiring Practices at Vatican for CEO Position

4. Unsatisfactory Experiences Harvesting Fish Species Often Rated More Highly Than Satisfactory Experiences in Gainful Employment

3. Nevada Unemployment Rate Strongly Related to Lack of Hiring, Reduction in Payroll in Wake of Great Recession

2. Age, Wealth of Las Vegas Men Inversely Proportional to Age of Second and Subsequent Wives

1. Previous Failures of Clark County Commission To Regulate Behaviors on Strip Uncorrelated to Future Attempts To Accomplish Same Ends

2 Responses to “Top 10 Things You Don’t Need a Study to Know”

  1. Launce says:

    $3,000 a page? Hmmmm…

  2. Steve says:

    I like it when you show your inner conservative Steve. You should let him out more often. He needs some sun on the skin.